Clean

“its over. Its all over : ( “ Zoe text Rita through her tears. Rita replied it seconds “i’m on my way”. Relief filled Zoe as she realised the kind of distraction she was about to have. She could ignore the pain that was tearing up her stomach and that had already mad her vomit once. Anxiety had made her stomach so vunerable to vomiting. She had just learnt to accept that she was always going to have a weak stomach, just like she was always going to have a heightened awareness of danger. Where had that awareness been last night?

Danger of being hurt was one of her biggest fears after cancer and earthquakes. These two things had always been her biggest fears and having suffered through both of them over the past eighteen months had definitely made life appear more dangerous. Being hurt sounds like a very braod catergory because it could range from breaking a bone to having a headache or losing someone. However for Zoe when she said ‘being hurt’ it simply meant ‘being let down’ or ‘being rejected’. Essentially any kind of hurt which could only be inflicted from another human being. This was because Zoe had very few coping mechanisms for this sort of thing, it was different every time and there had never been one person in her life whom hadn’t hurt her.  Well except for Rita, they may have lost contact for awhile there but the reality is Rita had never hurt or judged her.

Rita arrived as usual in a whirlwind of perfume and excited energy that immediately made Zoe feel relaxed and better when she opened the door. They sat for two hours and talked. Zoe explained everything that had happened, how horrible it had all been and how sick and used she felt now. The first thing Rita responded with was that she was disappointed in him and that she really felt like he was going to make a different decision, or at the very least he was a decent human being who knew how wrong it was to use someone else like that. Zoe actually agreed, she was disappointed and let down. How well she though she had known him seemed futile now. All the lies and deceit of the last two months was really beginning to hit her. He didn’t want her, he didn’t love her and yet everytime she had started to feel like she was making progress it was as if he knew and was able to pull her back in with his smile and his charm and his empty empty promises. He had never even entertained the thought of them being together again. He just wanted her hurt and crippled so that she couldn’t move on.

Rita agreed and reminded her of the two weeks of no contact right back at the start of the break-up. That had worked, that had allowed you to move on. Yeah that was true, but back then she had no feelings left for him and now he had bought them all back. Now it felt as if she was being dumped, and that was harder because it was no longer her decision. He had decided her future and the sense that she no longer had control was yet another trigger. He should have known all these things about her, she knew she had told him at least once but he had either not retained it or he just didn’t care about her condition. Rita talked for a bit longer about the boy she had met and gone home with on Saturday and Zoe became so envious of how easily the single life suited someone like Rita. She literally didn’t need anybody except herself and a wee bit of alcohol and drugs. Maybe that was what Zoe would be like in a few months, she would have the strength to say no if he ever come crawling back to her.

After Rita left, Zoe was alone in the empty house. She took off all her clothes and jumped in the shower and that was where she started crying, the kind of crying that feels like it is coming directly from your stomach. The kind of crying that is actually painful and makes your whole body shake with each wave of genuine pain. She watched as her tears mixed in with the shower water, it felt dramatic. She felt sick again and had to quickly dash out of the shower to vomit for the second time today, except there was no food in her stomach so it was just dry retching. She climbed slowly back into the shower and sat down against the wall letting the water run over her. The final few tears slipped out and somehow despite the aching pain in her stomach she felt clean.